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Fandom: Rookie Blue
Subject: Gail Peck
Title: WIDE AWAKE AND AFRAID TO FIGHT
Warnings/Notes: Slight warning for trauma, spoilers for season 3 and 4


 
Gail Peck. She's brash, lonely, tries not to give two fucks about anyone, but underneath it all vulnerable. She's the definition of cold and distant, honestly blunt to the point of rudeness, and has such a blatant disregard for other people's feelings you're kind of surprised she doesn't get into fight every episode. Born into a decorated family of police officers, her career trajectory is all but apparent. On top of dealing with the pressures of her family she struggles to find acceptance within 15 Division. Her hardlined brashness eventually finds a fit on the team though and they all come to love her, some more than others. Her life could be considered a cakewalk up until Season 3 where she gets kidnapped by a killer and held in his basement. She eventually gets freed but it comes at the steep price of another officers life. Something inside of Gail broke that night and she's been struggling to fix it ever since. Over the course of the rest of the season she battles her PSTD and makes strides with her fellow officers. She even throws her pride out the window and owns up to a costly mistake to save another rookie, even though it nearly costs her her badge. Her progress all nearly comes barreling to a halt though when she has to face her abducter in order to help out on a case of a missing child. She also loses her boyfriend that same night and is left heartbroken watching him drive away. Gail Peck is the strongest goddamn person though as she just picks up the pieces and starts all over again. Gail Peck has suffered more than anyone should have to suffer and somehow she's started to come out a better, more open person on the other side. Not only has she truly been able to count herself among friends at 15 division now but she's just started to open herself up to seeking comfort in another person. A person that happens to be a girl. But that is for next season.

That totally did not encapsulate the awesomeness that is Gail Peck. If you aren't watching this show, you should be. This fanmix kinda focuses on all the pressures Gail has been under during her life and the trauma and aftermath Gail has had to deal with, she's never going to be the same because of it.


i. Lorde, Bravado
Cause I was raised up
To be admired to be noticed
But when you're withdrawn it's the closest thing
To assault when all eyes are on you
This will not do

ii. Great Northern, Telling Lies
It's like a perfect
Picture of
Ordinary life
You hit the Bottom
To see if you're alive...
You'll be here some time
The choice is in your eyes

iii. Tift Merritt, Broken (Acoustic)
Now you’re broken and you don’t understand
What is broken falls into place once again.
Hand of kindness, come and gather me in like a rainstorm,
Again and again and again.
I think I will break but I mend

iv. Barcelona, Numb
How can I stand and hold up these great walls
And if it falls and I might blow away
What’s wrong? Can’t he see how hard I’ve tried?
I’m numb inside
I’m done tonight

v. Garbage, Sugar
Don’t come close, please keep at a distance,
Look but don’t touch till the light goes on
Silence in line and please wait at the window
Don’t touch the glass till the curtain calls

vi. Brandi Carlile, Losing Heart
Have I started to forget
I'm alright
Am I made of steel
Am I locked up tight
I'm human
But I'm wide awake and afraid to fight

vii. Amanda Jensen, Save Me For A Day
Take the first train that I see
Before I explode
I don't care where it takes me
Just want to go
'Cause I'm so tired of what you want me to be
Go on and miss me, honey
It doesn't matter to me

viii. First Aid Kit, Dance Another Tune
Will you look at me?
Take a good look at me,
and tell me who it is that I am

ix. The Reign of Kindo, Psalm
Beneath the smiles and laughter I'm a mess of a catastrophe.
The nights I've spent down on my knees just begging for a sign.
I hope that You can see me now for everything I am

{8tracks} / {Download} / {Tumblr}
Fandom: Orphan Black
Subject: Rachel Duncan
Title: The Picture Not The Painter
Warnings/Notes: Character spoiler for finale I guess.


Rachel Duncan is a clone. Rachel Duncan has always known she was a clone. Rachel Duncan grew up with her creators, the Neolutionists. What else does Rachel know? We don't know. Did she have a normal childhood with actual loving parents? Or was she just an experiment to be observed as she grew? Is she happy? What power does she now hold among the Neolutionists? Many questions abound about this cold, posh Brit but one thing is for sure, things are always more complicated than they seem on Orphan Black.

My headcanon for this fanmix: Rachel is not happy at all. When you've mostly been referred to as a number, your experiment tag, your whole life you're bound to barricade yourself off from the world and from emotions. But when you've faced with your identical copies, and figured out that they've lived full, fulfilled lives you start to ache. You've been deprived of your childhood, of all your formative years. You've just went along with the plan. But is the plan all it's cracked up to be anymore? You want more of...life.
You want to rebel. You've spent all your time valuing yourself as the painter, the architect bossing your small subset of of subjects around. But you've come to realize, you're just the picture that's already been painted.

i. Woodkid, The Other Side
Boy I was shaped for the fury
Now I pay the price
Of the human race's vice
And I was promised
The glorious ending of a knight
But the crown is out of sight


ii. David Condos, Like Wolves
They place your feet in choreographed revolutions
You’ve got to move to the mountains just to see all the ruin
Howl like wolves
But how, how, how they like you
Yeah, you’re on a golden leash
But no, you’re not their only beast


iii. The Naked And Famous, Machinery
Cause you forget that I do have a heart
I swear you forget I do have a heart


iv. MS MR, Fantasy
Revolution from disillusion, hypnotizing and demoralizing
Pressure of the future, too much for today
How many hours will I let slip away
Before I realize existing and living
Are not the same


v. Crash Kings, 14 Arms
If the snake gets the rabbit in the end
Think twice, then pretend
To reverse the roles
And tell me what you think is the best
Should you take it like a monkey or a man?
Well God only knows


vi. First Aid Kit, The Lion's Roar
She plays a tune for those who wish to overlook
The fact that they've been blindly decieved
By those who preach and pray and teach
But she falls short and the night explodes in laughter

But don't you come here and say I didn't warn you
About the way your world can alter
And oh how you try to command it all still

vii. Keane, Is It Any Wonder?
Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a sound bite


viii. Metric, Blindness
You said, remember that life is mot meant to be wasted, we can always be chasing the sun! So fill up your lungs and just run, but always be chasing the sun! All we can do is try, and live like we're still alive. It's a really old city, stuck between the dead and the living, so I thought to myself, sitting on a graveyard shelf, and the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony.

ix. Civil Twilight, Human
And if it takes me a lifetime, I swear I'll tear down every wall. Love conquers all. On my way, tomorrow I rise with the sun. Soon I'll be gone, words can't say how the memories of feelings of love they linger on. And if it takes me forever, I know it's worth every teardrop that falls.

{8tracks} / {Download} / {Tumblr}
(sorry it took so long, my internet was crap all day. sorry) 

Like Ketchup and Mayo

Fandom: Glee (slightly AU)
Pairing: Puck/Santana, Santana/Brittany
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~3k
Summary: Santana loves Brittany but where does Puck fit in at all. 
A/N: Here Autumn, finally some Pucktana! Hope you can keep up with the POV changes. Story is unbeta'd.


      I’m gay. It was the last thing he expected to come out of her mouth. I mean like Ellen Degeneres in love with my own Portia, gay. The last thing he expected to come out of Santana Lopez’s mouth while she was busy fixing her bed. The bed she just had sex with him, as in a guy, in. To say you were a little confused would be an understatement. And a little hurt. Did I make her this way? Was that what she was trying to tell me? What was she even doing with me if she was gay?
      “I don’t understand. You were just pulling the fucking inverted cowgirl or some shit with me. A dude.” He scrunched his eyebrows together as he watched her fixing her makeup in the mirror.
Santana sighed as she turned around and crossed her arms over her chest. “Look...” She quickly ran a hand through her hair trying to calm herself. Puck scooted towards the edge of the bed to hear her better. “I’m in love with Brittany. I really am. But I just...” It felt like a wave of sadness just came crushing down on you, that was the whole point of tonight, to let you down easy. She’s in love with Brittany, not you. Just like Quinn still wanted Finn, not you. You quickly stood up and grabbed your shirt not bothering to pay any more attention to what she was saying. You heard her calling your name as you bolted out the door and through the rest of the house out towards your car. You didn’t need to be let down again. To not be picked again.
      You avoided her for a while after that. Skipped a couple Glee Club meetings. Didn’t answer her calls, deleted her text messages and didn’t bother listening to any voice mails she left. You don’t need to hear any more reasons or excuses. But you couldn’t stop yourself from going to see her. You knew her and Brittany still hung around after school around the track and football field. They wanted to keep themselves in shape even if they weren’t on the Cheerios. So you’d come and you’d sit high up in the bleachers and just watch. Watch the way the muscles in her legs would go rigid as she tried to land some flip or some shit. The way she’d always use her right hand to wipe the beads of sweat from her forehead. You’d just watch her. Once or twice you’re sure she’d looked up and caught you on the bleachers but she’d never commented about it the few scarce times you’d passed her in the halls or charge up the bleachers steps to confront you, so you didn’t mention it either.

      “I miss him.” You mutter one evening as you lay with Brittany. Her fingers are trailing through your hair and you’re thinking of him. How fucked up is this? You think. You groan and roll over muttering a sorry into Brittany’s side.
      “Why are you sorry, silly? It’s ok to miss Puck. It’s Puck.” She shrugs like it’s the simplest thing in the world.
      She shoots up to stare at Brittany as she works herself into a rant. “Because I’m in love with you. I know that. And yes it is Puck. It’s fucking Puck. The asshole who knocked up his best friend’s girl because they were both too drunk to put on a condom. The ass who tried to make it all better by playing baby daddy. Who fucking cried when the little lizard was born. The guy who stuck up for Berry when no one else would, not even her boyfriend,” You don’t notice your voice is starting to soften as you rant continues, slight anger and confusion alleviating into something else. “The boy who beat up Karofsky in fifth grade because he called me a spic. The guy who’s never told a soul that I collect pokemon pez dispensers.” She chuckles a bit at that one, remembering the Christmas where he helped her finish her collection. “He’s just that guy. Why do I have to be in love with him?” With that she flops back down onto the bed with a groan. It takes a moment before what she’s said finally sinks in and she goes slightly rigid at the thought. “Shit. I’m in love with him. I’m in love with Puck.” Her eyes go wide as she rolls to face Brittany again. “I’m so sorry. I just…he’s Puck.” She scrambles to try and find the words to explain but Brittany runs a soothing hand down her arm and speaks up.
      “San, really, it’s ok. I get it. It’s Puck after all.”
      “But,” she furrowed her eyebrows further, in the back of her mind worrying about how many wrinkles she’ll have gathered once she finally figures this out, “I’m gay. At least…I just had this bigass revelation that I liked chicks and I’m in love with a guy. Isn’t that like against the rules or whatever? And I’m in love with you. I meant it when I said I don’t care about being with another guy ever again. And believe me you can do things to me that no penis ever could. Its just…Puck.” She sighed trying to will the tears she felt prickling behind her eyes not to come.
       She felt a warm hand reach over and grasp her own. “San, listen to me. I know you love me. I know you want to be with me. But, you also want to be with Puck and I get that. It’s like how I always want ketchup and mayo on my hot dogs. They are both totally great separately but so amazing together and I would like die, or well be sad for a really long time if I could only ever have one again. My hot dogs would never be the same. Puck and I are your ketchup and mayo.” She smiled so brightly, like she had just finally figured out a rubicks cube, that you couldn’t help but smile a little as well.
      “But I’m gay.”
      “So? Puck’s totally just like your exception or something. Like, you’re not in love with his penis, although it is pretty big and so much better than any toy. You’re in love with him. Like how I love cherry popsicles and there was that one time I had an orange coloured popsicle but it was cherry flavoured. They both looked different but they were both cherry and that’s what I loved.” You scrunch up your face trying to understand her line of reasoning. “Besides, he is totally like your bitch most of the time anyways.”
      You shake your head as you lean forward to kiss her, resting your forehead against hers after your lips part. “God, I am so in love with you.” You smile and kiss her once more. You might not have everything figured out right now but now at least you were sure Brittany would still be there, and that she understood, well probably understood more than you actually did.

      It was a few weeks later when you were laying in your bed, arm tucked under your head reflecting on how it had gotten to this point. To the point where he was avoiding his best friend since childhood, the one person who understood him better than anyone else on the planet. “Fuck,” you mutter and roll over to stare out the window. When did this all get so fucked up? You stare at the beads of rain rolling down the window, contemplating when it all changed until you notice your vision starting to blur with your tears. You blink them away not even bothering to care and it all begins to click in your head. You’re reminded of the day nearly a year ago when you were crying ten times harder than this.
       Santana was your rock the summer after Beth was born. She had been your rock nearly all your life but especially then. She just always seemed to know what you needed, be it a bottle of rum, a good fuck, or throwing on a sad chick movie just so you had an excuse for the tears that never seemed to stop coming just after Beth had come and gone. It was that summer, you realize, when things started to click in your head, or more accurately, in your heart. Santana was just always the one that stuck around, the one that really looked out for you. The only one that never really needed anything but for you to be you. You know it sounds so cheesy but there really was not putting into words exactly what Santana had come to mean to you.
      You blink more tears away and come back into the present. This needed to end soon; you knew you needed to do something to start it or really end it all, the back of your mind added on. Puck, time to be a man.

       You’re falling asleep in Spanish yet again, because really you could still pass it in your sleep, when a small scrunch of paper is tossed onto your desk. You press your hand over it quickly so Mr.Schue doesn’t notice then look over your shoulder to see where it came from. Puck. He catches your eyes for a moment and gestures for you to open it before he flicks his eyes back down to his notes. Wait…Puck is taking notes? Since when? You shake your head and smile slightly, out of the guys in Glee Club he was the one who had definitely gone through the most changes. He was really becoming a man. You quickly smooth out the small ball of paper across your notebook. Come over tonight. It reads, with a scarcely added To talk.
       You watch out of the corner of you’re eye as she uncrumples the slip of paper and reads it over. You needed to do this, you tell yourself. You’re being a man. And yeah, ok, maybe you missed your best friend a fucking lot, more than you should miss someone who is with someone else. But if anyone asked you would swear it was just because you needed to get your rocks off and Santana was the best. The truth was though that you couldn’t even get your own rocks off since that day, since all these feelings came rushing to the surface. Feelings you would normally push away but this time it was about being a man. You needed to do this.
       Santana turns towards you and mouths ‘what time?’ while pointing at her wrist. You think for a moment before replying with seven. She nods and faces forward again but you watch her a moment more. You never noticed she sat so close, the perfect angle to watch her out of the corner of your eye and still look like you were paying attention. That was probably because you hardly ever used to come to Spanish class, maybe you had a reason now. You break your gaze as Brittany leans over to Santana, probably to copy her work or something. You could never really be mad at Brittany, because come on, she’s Brittany, but even the sight of them together didn’t stop your heart from quenching a little. You buckle down the slight burst of emotion and remind yourself that it all comes down to tonight. Tonight, Puck, tonight.

      “Seven o’clock,” you say as you glance at your phone one last time before opening Puck’s front door and walking inside. You didn’t bother knocking because you had pretty much been a staple in his house since you were a kid, just like Puck and Brittany had been in the Lopez house as well. You smile slightly thinking of all the Passovers and Hanukahs you’ve spent here. Your eyes focus on the stairs and you steel yourself up a bit as you start to make your way up them. You here the dull thump of rock music playing as you make your way up and you sigh when you realize it’s Puck’s emo chick rock music. Specifically, female-fronted rock bands singing all emo shit about their feelings and stuff. Puck only ever played it when he has really feeling down.
      Santana sighed once more before pushing Puck’s room door open and marching inside. He was laying with his eyes closed on the bed and hadn’t even noticed she had come in. After a look around for the stereo she quickly slapped the power button and crossed her arms over her chest looking at Puck.
      “Hey!” He bellowed slightly, sitting up in the process. His features softened some, taking on a kind of sadness when he realized it was Santana. “Hey,” he repeated more softly.
      “Hey.” The silence drew out for a few seconds and you sighed and took a seat in his desk chair. “So, you wanted to talk?”
       “Yeah.” You watched as he slid towards the edge of the bed and took a moment to figure out what he was going to say. “I love you.” You couldn’t help but gasp slightly and look him in the eyes, searching for anything to tell you he was lying, to make this easier. You saw nothing but the absolute truth though. Puck was in love with you. You opened your mouth to respond but he beat you to it. “But I know you’re gay and you’re with Brittany,” he continued. “And…I-I just don’t want to lose you.” His hands gripped the edge of the bed tight. “So, we can just be friends or…whatever you want. It’s not like it’s the first time I haven’t been picked anyways. I’m an asshole. But it’s…”
       You couldn’t take it anymore. You knew he really felt that way, felt like everyone he had ever loved had not cared and just left. You worked to swallow the lump forming in your throat as you cut him off. “Stop Puck! You’re not worthless okay? I’ve never ever thought that. You’re my Puckasaurus…”
       “San, just stop.” It was his turn to cut you off, his walls slowly starting to fall into place again. “Stop with the trying to let me down easy act okay? I’m trying to be fucking good here and suck it up. Go be gay with Brittany and shit just please…”
       “Dammit Puck!” You screech with anger. Anger that he fucking continues to sell himself short, angry that you’ve probably contributed to that with this whole mess. “You’re my fucking only exception or some shit, okay? You’re the only guy I ever felt good with, the only guy I ever wanted to be with. I don’t know, okay? Fuck. I’ve known you as long as I have Brittany too. You know me just as well as her. And we’re both the same amount of fucked up. This is all so fucked up. But I just…” You take a calming breathe and run your hand through your hair. “I’m in love with you Puck. And I’m in love with Brittany too.”
       You both just stare at each other for a few seconds letting the words and feelings sink in. It was mostly all out in the clear now. You loved each other, but she loved Brittany as well. “What does this mean?” You swallow your pride and ask. “For us? And for you and Brittany?”
       You watch as Santana walks across the room and rests lightly on the bed next to you. You’re scared to breathe, scared to move, scared of what could come next. Scared of losing it all. “I don’t really know.” Santana finally says. “But I do know that I need you both. I can’t lost either one of you. It’s like you’re both a part of me, you both have been for so long. So I want to be with Brittany…and you. If you want? I’ve already talked with Brittany and she is totally fine with it she even said we wouldn’t have to use toys anymore.” She lets out a small chuckle and you can’t help but smile, leave it to Brittany to simplify it like that. “I mean, I know it’s not really traditional or whatever, but come on when have we ever been? And yeah I am gay but you’re just you. I can’t explain it and I’m not sure I really want to. I just want you both.” She turns to look at you and you’re silent while you try and shuffle through all your thoughts.
       Maybe you could be that. I mean, she was picking you as her first guy right, her only guy, which had to count for something. And even though she is still with Brittany, Brittany was still bisexual so you could get in on that action as well., hell it seemed like Brittany even wanted you in on that action. Instead of giving space to all the thoughts in your head trying to push to the front, thoughts like ‘not good enough,’ ‘she’ll leave like the rest,’ you just leaned in and kissed her. It might not be perfect, but at least someone was thinking of you for once.

Title: She won't be thinking about her in the morning.
Pairing: Brittany/Santana; mentions sex with Mike, Finn, dating Puck.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1000 +
Summary: Santana tells herself she won't think about her in the morning. Except she does.
Spoiler: 1x15 Power of Madonna
Disclaimer: I don't own them...blah blah blah.
This is my first fic so please be easy on me and let me know if I did anything wrong.


She won't be thinking about her in the morning. That's why she does it.


Santana sleep with Mike after one of Puck's parties. She isn't drunk and she really doesn't want to blame it on that at all anyways. She wants to sleep with Mike, she really does. It'll make her forget about her. At least that what she tells herself. She can't think about her like she has been. Her parents would think it's wrong. People in school would think it's wrong. So because of that she tells herself that it is wrong. So she sleeps with Mike.


But she thinks about her in the morning. She thinks about how Brittany will look when Santana tells her that she slept with Mike. She always tells her what she does. She is her best friend. Santana will notice the hurt that will flash in her eyes for a second, and Santana's heart will clench. But then Brittany will plaster on a smile and say it's okay. So Santana tells herself it is.


Santana Lopez cannot be in love with her best friend. She can't. She convinces herself that it's only because they have great sex that she feels this way. That maybe all she has to do is find someone else, a guy, that she has better sex with and then it will go away. So that's what she does.


She won't be thinking about her in the morning, she tells herself before she takes Finn's virginity.


It's better to be a slut than possibly gay and in love with your best friend right? That's what she tells herself. Her parents will probably kick her out if they knew how she felt for Brittany. Or send her away where she can't see Brittany. And there is no way she can deal with that. So she tells herself she can't love her. She can't stand to not have her in her life so she will settle for hurting her if it keeps her around in some capacity.


But she thinks about her in the morning.


I don't feel anything because it didn't mean anything” Finn had said after. Santana realizes that's what's happening every time she sleeps with a guy. She doesn't love them.


She tells Brittany that she slept Finn. And she pretends she doesn't die a little when she sees that she hurts Brittany. Again. She sees how Kurt gets pushed around for being gay. She can't let Brittany go through that. She tells herself that she is protecting her. She tells herself maybe one day she won't have to. One day.


Santana Lopez cannot be in love with her best friend. Except that she is. She has known for awhile. Probably since they were kids when she really thinks about it. Santana was always Brittany's protector. And she's afraid that if the truth were to come out, she couldn't protect her. She can't let that happen.


Santana tells herself all these reasons why she and Brittany can't be together. Convinces herself of all these things.


Why?” Brittany asks her one day when they are sitting in Brittany's room studying. She knows what Brittanys asking but she plays dumb.

Why what, B?
Why can't we be like together together? I love you.”

Because...because...” Santana can't say all the things she convinced herself of because deep down she knows that aren't true. And that scares the shit out of her. “You can't love me.” She says as she gets up and walks out of the room. She can't look back because she knows Brittany is hurting. She knows she is probably crying. And Santana knows she would cry too. So she leaves.


Santana Lopez is in love with her best friend. So in love with her best friend. It scares the shit out of her to love her so much. She knows there is nothing she can really do about it. There never really was. But she always tried to push it away. That's what she plans to do when she gets to Puck's party. She plans to push it away. She plans to sleep with Puck. I mean they dated once right, she has to feel something? She plans to sleep with Puck and feel something.


She won't be thinking about her in the morning she plans to tell herself. She won't think about how much she loves her. How much she hurts her. How much she wants to be with her. How much she wants to say fuck you to Lima and school and her parents if she has to. She plans not to think about these things in the morning.


And for one she doesn't think about her in the morning like she usually does.


She doesn't need to because she is in the bed right next to her.


I'm an idiot.” She told Brittany last night after she ran out of Puck's party and all the way back to Brittany's. She has tears in her eyes and an ache in her heart. She loves Brittany with all her heart.

I know S.” Brittany says as she pulls the other girl into her room and pulls her into a hug. “I love you S.”

Fuck them all!” Santana says pulling away to look up at the blonde.

Huh?” Brittany asks confused.

Fuck them all B. I was scared. I was stupid. But I don't care anymore. You are all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. I know I can handle whatever Lima or assholes at school or my parents do because I will have you with me. I love you so much B.” Santana and Brittany both have tears streaming down their faces as they kiss. “I want to be with you B. Well that's if you'll still have me. I did...umm..I'm so sorry for ever hurting you. God I nearly died every time I saw how what I did hurt you. I just wasn't ready to deal with everything yet. And...I really don't want to be too late to still have you. Please I will do anything B. I'll hold your hand in the hallway or whatever. I'll punch everyone in the face if they say something. I just want to be with you B. Please tell me it's not too late B.” Santana pleads holding Brittany's face in her hands.

S, can we just go to sleep it's late. We have school tomorrow.” Santana's heart feels like it's gonna fall out of her chest. “And you need to get some sleep if you plan on beating everyone up to protect you girlfriend.” She finishes.

What! Really?” She nearly squeals as Brittany shakes her head yes. “I love you so much B!” She says as she kisses her hard and they fall back onto the bad.


Santana doesn't need to think about Brittany in the morning because she is right next to her in bed. She has the love of her life. And this time it meant everything.